The visit opened up a new beginning for Jace*—- and myself. When we first meet someone often, we put our best self forward. I myself, was guilty of that in my relationship with Jace*—-. My first husband was physically and mentally abusive. That does a number on an individual. Henceforth my feelings of lack of self-worth. Then compounded with being gang raped in 1986, I was a mess. I truly was broken in many ways. Before becoming involved with Jace*—- I did not have anything to do with men by choice for 12 years. Nope, I swore off them. With all of these experiences I had little to no self-esteem. Needless to say I was jaded and had little respect for the opposite sex.
Then this amazing man came along in my life. With Jace*—- you got the real him, no games, accept him as he was or not. That is not meant in a negative way. It was not in a self-centered way at all. You saw the good and well the other side of him as well. Jace*—- was very honest about himself and was his true self with me at least. I truly appreciated that as I knew who he was and whether I could except him, as my Mom would say, “warts and all.” Our first conversation, we talked about how we just wanted to be friends. Marriage was not in the cards for either of us. We both had been there and done that, didn’t turn out well. No need for repeat performances.
When I let go and showed a side of myself that rarely comes out, he did not run, back away, condemn or even get angry. Instead, this man, took it in, digested it, looked for the truth in it, accepted his part in it and embraced me. That had never happened in my life with any relationship I ever had been involved. I always was less than or at fault. I am not playing the victim here, I should have gotten counseling, made better choices and stood up for myself. Oddly enough Jace*—- had experience that same in his relationships as well.
So here we started again with eyes wide open. Myself with a knew understanding that this man truly loved me unconditionally and with his whole heart. Often, I have said that we somehow healed each other. This was not done intentionally by either one of us. I personally never have believed in changing whomever I may have been involved with, because they will not change unless it comes from within themselves. If they were to change, I wanted it to be because they wanted to recognized a way of bettering themselves out of their own purpose. I remember in one of our many marathons talks Jace*—- telling me that in all of his relationships his girlfriend’s/wives felt he was a project in process. He needn’t worry about that with me and I told him so. Once in the very beginning of our relationship, we had a very slight disagreement. He basically told me that he wanted me to keep him on the straight and narrow. Of which I told him you have the wrong girl then. I’m not your mother. We didn’t talk for a couple of days after that one. I never understood that statement, as it went totally against what I thought he had mentioned that he did not want in a relationship. He never said that again. After his passing his “nephew Sundance” sent me a copy of a letter Jace*—- had wrote to him in which he mentioned me. One of the things he said in it was that he had met me and that I celebrated him for the animal he was, that I accepted him for who he was and didn’t try to change him. That was true from the very beginning. So, as you can see, I loved him unconditionally too. I difference was that I know realized that he too loved me in the same way. Our relationship changed from that last visit. He loved me in a different way, hard to explain, but more deeply and completely. I became his Cindy (my Cindy). Which was the way I would sign my letters to him. He accepted that and he cherished it from that moment forward.
Next a little time apart and then plans to spend the longest time I had ever spent with him before.