Our Story from Start to Beyond the Grave: (#84) My future wishes, hopes and dreams

February 13^th

I can’t even describe the despair I felt after the phone call I received the late evening of February 12^th notifying me of Jace’s*—- death. The first thing I did after his sister hung up the phone was to go to Angie’s bedroom door, where I knocked once and let out a cry/scream. She immediately opened the door and with fear in her eyes asked me what was wrong. When I told her It was hard for her to believe, but even harder for her to see me in that emotional state. She had never seen me that distrait or shattered before. She tried her best to console me, but really there was nothing anyone could do at that point. I went back to my bedroom and sat on my bed going over the phone call, what we had been through in the last month. Was I to blame for this action? Even more despairing was that I could not feel his presence. It was the first time since we had gotten together that I could not feel his energy. It felt void and empty. At that moment I realize just how vast the Universe is. Where was he, why couldn’t I feel him? Would it always be this way? So many thoughts ran through my head. Why did he do this? Was our love not enough to make him want to stay? Why hadn’t he called me to at least to say goodbye? I didn’t sleep that night; in fact, I did not sleep for 3 nights.

The sun was rising. Why should it rise? Did it not know what had happened? It was Monday and I was expected at my job. I worked the opening shift at Beach Babies Preschool. I knew nothing else but to be a robot and go through the motions. My head said, “Go to work” So I followed instructions. It was the beginning of a time in life that I refer to as “Walking through Life.” Meaning just go through the motions of what was expected of me with only the feelings of deep depression and grieving. No more hopes, desires or dreams. All of that died with Jace*—–. I had to be at work at 630 am. I got cleaned up, making myself presentable and went on my way to my job. When I pulled into the lot, I did the usual, pulled out all of the teaching aids I needed for the day. I walked in, put my things into my room and proceeded to the director’s office where I had to sign in for the day. My eyes were puffy, my demeanor very off. Usually I came in cheerful, but why should I do that today.  The director Joanne, took one look at me and said, “Cindy what’s wrong with you today? You look like you have lost your best friend.” I’ve never seen you like this before.” I looked at her started to cry once more. During the next year and actually even beyond I cried each day, but I also would time my tears. No crying at work, No crying Infront of my children if at all possible. Her comment hit home. I looked at her and said, “I lost my fiancée, my lover and my best friend yesterday. Jace*—– is dead.” Joanne asked how that had happened? I couldn’t think properly. All I could do was automatically reply, “He committed suicide.” She asked what was I thinking coming into work? I shouldn’t be there. Point in case, I wasn’t thinking, I was on auto pilot.  I took one look at her and said, “I don’t know where else to be.” She sent me home. Which I guess was the right thing to do in a sense, but what she did not realize was that if I didn’t do routine, I had to think more about it. I was truly afraid that I would crawl into bed and never get out of it again. My life in some ways was over.

I went back home. Angie was at work and the house was empty. That was good because I didn’t have to try to pretend, I was ok or answer questions on how I was doing. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that her, Becky and Dan were all trying their best, but I couldn’t even think or comprehend anything. I didn’t want them to see me this way. I didn’t want them to worry. So, I tried to put up a front. Of course, they could see right through it.

What was I to do with myself today? I decided to make an appointment with Annette at the psychic eye. That would be later in the day. Then it dawned on me, Jace*—– was to be into work that day. His boss did not have a clue. That is when I started the phone calls.

First call was to Firestone. I asked to speak with his boss by his name. You see Jace*—- would always talk to me about his day. That would be how we would start our evening calls. I knew that him and his boss had been having trouble lately. His boss had been all over his ass. I first introduced myself, telling him that I was Jace”s*—- fiancée. Then I told him that Jace*—- would not be coming into work today or the future for that fact as he had passed. He asked how. I told him that Jace*—- had committed suicide. He made some rude remark under his breath about him having mental problems. Well, that was all it took. I went off on him, repeating a word for word conversation that he had said to Jace*—- that was less than kind and inappropriate. If he had worked in the state of California he could have taken him to court. You could hear him gasp. He was startled that I knew what had gone on. He started to apologize. But I wasn’t through with him yet. I told him that perhaps he should think about how he treats his employees in the future. He just kept apologizing over and over again. I told him that someone would be in touch to pick up his tool box and personal effects so to please leave them there until it could be arranged. He agreed. That was the end of that phone call. The next call was to Midas to let his friends there know what had happened. I got ahold of his friend James, who had taken his place as Manager. When I told him what had happen, he proceeded to tell me that the last time they had spoken, Jace*—- had dropped by his apartment that it did not go well. James was there at home with his date and Jace*—- became a little loud and rowdy. James proceeded to kick him out and told him to never come back until he was ready to apologize and then James would think about letting him back into the apartment. Again, that was all that needed to be said. I went off on James and said, “Maybe you should have asked him what was wrong. Why was he acting that way? Like be a friend maybe. He tried to interrupt me but I wasn’t having it. I finished by saying, well, I guess you got your wish. He won’t ever come to your door again. He was silent for a minute and said I’m sorry Cindy. Again, a little too late. Other calls were not volatile. People were very sad to hear the news. Spoke highly of Jace*—– and offered their condolences, saying that Jace*—– spoke with love and fondly about me. Some of them told me I had made him very happy. Those were very comforting words.

It was time to go to see Annette. I was anxious, but I needed answers. Annette is a very good psychic. She does get messages at times of those that has passed over, but she is not a practicing medium. You may ask why I would go to a psychic or medium being one myself? For two reasons, it is very hard to read for ourselves and I was not connecting with Jace*—–. As I said previously, I could not feel his energy. If you are a medium or psychic and are too emotional or in grieving it can be very hard to connect with or get answers about your love ones. This was the case for me. My energy was way too low.  

Next What did the psychic have to say and I talk with Cletus about Jace’s*—- last day