Our Story from Start to Beyond the Grave: Goodbye Again (24)

I hate goodbyes. It’s a theme for us it seems. How do I say goodbye to the one who loves me unconditionally? Who accepts me as I am and wants only for me to see the potential that he sees in me? Thinking on it, because of his love he made me feel special, worthy and that I could be whatever I wanted to be. Because of his love for me, I wanted to aspire to be what he realized was within me. He helped me to believe in myself. He did this just by being the person he was, I was not a project, nor did he want to change me. He was someone who just loved me for who I was. How lucky and blessed I was, if only for a fleeting few years. In addition to, he was my best friend. I could tell him all my secrets and they were met with nonjudgmental love and held sacred to him. So much so he took them to his grave.

So, it’s time to wake up. The last morning, I would have him in my bed or any bed for that matter until when, we did not know. In some ways we did long distance romance so very well. And yet, with my insecurities it could also be like hell at times as I would let old scenarios in my life play out in my head. I remember my Jace*—- saying to me at times, “Must I suffer for those who have come before me?” My answer would be, “Yes, love. I’m sorry. I’m working on it.” How sorry I truly am for letting those things get in our way. The next thing he would say was, “I’m happy the others did not work out, because now I have you. What fools they were. I got the best thing that ever happened to me.” I often told Jace*—- that was he a gift from God for me! I truly know with all my heart he is.

We both got out of bed with a heavy heart. He put on a happy face for me, but I could see through it. Me, not so much. I didn’t fall apart, but I wasn’t as good as he was at pretending. As my Jace*—- would say about certain times and things in his life, “I lie to myself, so I can get through it.” This was one of those times. We went downstairs and made our breakfast together. Standing side by side helping each other in the kitchen. I made the coffee all by myself and it turned out perfectly. We laughed about that one. After we ate, we took a walk around the area, just to kind of get away and to stretch our legs. When we came back to the apartment, he sat on the couch and sat at his feet. He rubbed my back and my neck as we talked about how we would see each other again soon. We promised to continue our marathon talks each night. We shared how strong our love was for each other and how we knew that it would keep growing. As we were talking, I shed a few silent tears. Then came that time we never looked forward to, “Babe, I hate to say it, but we need to get going if we want to go by the ocean for a few minutes, in order to catch my flight on time. We would constituently procrastinated when it came to taking each other back to the airport to return home. Usually barely making it there on time. Neither of us wanted to part ways. This would be another theme in our relationship.

We took our drive to Torrance beach. We sat on a bench that over looked the beach and ocean. We watched the waves in silence, holding on to each other. After a brief stay, we walked back to the car. We drove without a word said between us. What was left to be said? We both battled depression. Before we knew it we were at LAX. I parked in the parking structure close to American Airlines. We walked to the terminal hand in hand, where we said our last goodbyes and he gave me a deep kiss, as was his tradition. I watched him go beyond security with an emptiness in my heart, where I could go no further, until he was out of sight. Tears flowing, I returned to my car feeling so alone. I slipped in my cd “Tapestry” by Carole King, cueing it to “So Far Away.” I shall miss you my love with all of my heart and soul.

So far away

Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn’t help to know you’re just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood

Holding you again could only do me good

Oh, how I wish I could

But you’re so far away

One more song about moving along the highway

Can’t say much of anything that’s new

If I could only work this life out my way

I’d rather spend it being close to you

But you’re so far away

Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

Doesn’t help to know you’re so far away

Yeah, you’re so far away

Traveling around sure gets me down and lonely

Nothing else to do but close my mind

I sure hope the road don’t come to own me

There’s so many dreams I’ve yet to find

But you’re so far away

Doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore

It would be so fine to see your face at my door

And it doesn’t help to know you’re so far away

Yeah, you’re so far away

Hey, you’re so far away

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