Our Story from Start to Beyond the Grave: Broken hearted (#53)

That visit did not go like the others, nor did it go as well as I would have hoped for it to be. When I came back to my apartment after dropping Jace*—- off at LAX I went into the kitchen and found that he had written on my chalk board. It simply said, “I love you all, Jace*—-“. It made me happy to see it. It meant the world to me, but it also broke my heart. It cried out to me that he was sorry and wanted us to know that he loved us. I also felt it was his way of saying please forgive me. There were words unspoken, yet I tried to tell him and show him that I still loved him as much as I ever had. Jace*—- felt that he had crossed a line and as he told me as our time together grew longer that, “I had seen the best of him, but I had also seen the worse of him.” When you are in love with a person, truly in love, you work things out, because for me and in this case, “Love conquers all.”

Angie came down from her room and asked if I was doing okay. I told her yes, but she always could read me like a book and knew I was lying. She told me that she was there if I wanted to talk, but also that Jace*— had came up stairs right before we left to apologize to her for his outburst and behavior. That meant a great deal to her and also me.

Jace*—- called me the evening he arrived back into San Angelo. Our conversation was short, but he said that he loved me and was tired. Something was off, not right with us. Could it be repaired? This was devasting for me. I’m not sure of how he felt.

As time went on, 4 months to be exact, it became more and more clear that there was a distance growing between us and not only in miles. The calls were not as frequent. The calls were not as long. I was at a lost as to what to do to fix this, as he would not want to address it and truly, I was afraid what the outcome might be if I pursued it.

Then it happened, January 4th, 2004 the phone call. It was fairly early in the day; I would say around 11 am. PST. Jace*—- called. We talked pleasantly. We joked; things seem a little more relaxed. He thanked me for the Christmas gifts and told me how much he liked them. That is when I heard, “Now comes the hard part.” I thought what? What do you mean, here comes the hard part? The next part of his conversation destroyed me. “Cindy, this long-distance thing, just isn’t doing it for me anymore.” The world stopped at that moment. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I felt it coming for months now, but I hoped against hope that things would change or that I was wrong. He continued to tell me that we had started out as friends and he deeply wanted to remain friends. He would love to call me time to time, to check in on me and to share his day or any news that he might have to tell me. I told him he could call but I would not be calling him and I wasn’t sure that I would be answering his calls. That genuinely hurt him and he truly couldn’t understand why we couldn’t be friends. He repeated, we have been friends for a few years Cindy, why can’t we continue to be friends I don’t understand? My answer was from the heart and sadly how I truly felt, “Because you want one thing out of this relationship and I want another.”

That was when he said, “I wish I was there to say this to you face to face.”

My reply was, “Why so you could see me crying like some fool?”

Nope, then you could beat the shit out of me and I wouldn’t stop you.

You, really don’t know me, do you? What good would that do? It wouldn’t help anything.

Maybe it would make you feel better?

Jace*—- told me his door would always be open to me. If I needed to get away that I had a place there at his home. He meant it. Truly he did. He also told me that day that I was, “the best time he had ever had.” None of this made sense, yet the way things had been going it did. We hadn’t fought since that fateful night. All was very civil, but strained. He wasn’t all in, like before. Now came the second blow. He had met a girl that he wanted to start dating and he couldn’t cheat on me. WHAT? Yep, you heard it here, his words exactly. It was over.

You’ll Think of Me

Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4 a.m.

With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate

I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep

But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake

Ever since you found yourself in someone else’s arms

I’ve been tryin’ my best to get along

But that’s okay There’s nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom

Take your memories, I don’t need ’em

Take your space and take your reasons

But you’ll think of me

And take your cap and leave my sweater

‘Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I’ll feel a whole lot better

But you’ll think of me, you’ll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head

I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left

I guess I’m feeling just a little tired of this

And all the baggage that seems to still exist

It seems the only blessing I have left to my name Is not knowing what we could have been

What we should have been

So

Take your records, take your freedom

Take your memories, I don’t need ’em

Take your space and take your reasons

But you’ll think of me

And take your cap and leave my sweater

‘Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I’ll feel a whole lot better

But you’ll think of me

Someday I’m gonna run across your mind

But don’t worry, I’ll be fine

I’m gonna be alright While you’re sleeping with your pride

Wishing I could hold you tight

I’ll be over you

And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom

Take your memories, I don’t need ’em

And take your cap and leave my sweater’Cause we have nothing left to weather

In fact I’ll feel a whole lot better But you’ll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom

Take your memories, I don’t need ’em

Take your space and all your reasons

But you’ll think of me

And take your cap and leave my sweater

‘Cause we got nothing left to weatherIn fact I’ll feel a whole lot better

But you’ll think of me, you’ll think of me, yeah

And you’re gonna think of me, mmm yeah

Next, how do I survive over the next 9 months?

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