Our conversations became more frequent. Along with that more hints of invites to visit my Jace*—-. It was now August, Jace’s*—- birthday month. Before his birthday, he extended the invitation one more time. His invitation went as follows, “Babe, I’d love for you to come out to Texas soon. It would be the best birthday gift I could get.” A feeling of sorrow and dread came over me as I felt how can I put this off without hurting him. I still was just not yet sure I was ready to go there. I gave the excuse that it was very short notice and I was not sure I could make it happen. I apologized to him. There was a long silence pause. Then Jace*—- gave me the ultimation. Are you ever going to come to see me again Cindy? Well, that slapped me into reality. I had to make a decision. This was hurting him and hurting me. Even though I didn’t do this to him intentionally or to cause him pain, nevertheless that was what I was doing. Truly, I still loved Jace*—- with all of my heart. I knew in my soul that there would never be another man for me. He most assuredly was the “one.” But could I open myself up, and take that leap of faith. Could I be vulnerable? Could I open myself up to the chance of being hurt again? And if so, could I survive it. After a pause, which probably felt like an eternity to him, I answered yes. I had to say yes, I could not let this chance go by. After all this was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. No one would ever be able to fill that void.
I wouldn’t be able to make it for his birthday, but I did come out the following month, September of 2004. He was more than excited and as for myself I was nervous as hell. There were many reasons for feeling this way. This visit would make or break our relationship. I just knew it. Would it be awkward? Would we be able to get past what had happened? I also, am an emotional eater. I had gained 15 pounds. There was no way I could lose that much weight in 4 weeks. I would come to the conclusion that this would be my last-ditch attempt. Yet he would see a part of me he had never seen before. Not the best side. For that I would apologize.
Next our visit.