Christmas came and went. We as usual exchanged gifts by sending packages to each other. Jace*—- would open them while I was on the phone so that I could hear the excitement in his voice as he would see what each package unveiled. He was like a little boy, full of wonder and excitement. It was always such a fun time of the year for us. Followed up by our usual New Year ritual from the first year we met. We would talk till New Year rang in at San Angelo Texas and then when it came in at Redondo Beach, California. It was a sweet time and always full of fun and laughter. But we always would end up telling each other how happy we were to have met each other, told of our love for each other and how we looked forward to another year together. But this year, Jace*—- bowed out after the New Year hit in San Angelo. He apologized saying that he was very tired that evening and wasn’t sure if he would fall asleep on the phone. This was very unlike Jace*—– but phone calls had been different since he moved to Cletus’s. He had mentioned that he had little to no privacy there and that when they had company that he was sent to his room and not invited to be a part of the evening. I know that it was a very difficult adjustment to live with someone else for him. He had been on his own for years and always cherished his own place along with his own way of life. He told me that he could handle it because soon we would be together. So, this was just a temporary situation. As time went forward our conversations were shorter and he seemed not himself. I kept telling myself that soon things would be better because we would be together.
I received a call from Jace*—- about a week later that would change things. He had called in-between times, but as I said it was not the same. But this particular day I would have to tell him something that I knew would disappoint him, but it just could not be helped. After talking about each of our days, I broke the news. I told him that I didn’t think that we would be able to make the February 10th deadline. I just did not have enough money to make the move. I had been holding garage sales every weekend to try to make up the money that we would need in order to follow through with the move. I felt bad but truly it was out of my hands at this point. I mention to him that us having to find an apartment to move into had not been included when we were first tying to get this move together. Angela and Jace*—- would be the only ones with jobs when we got there. We would have to set up to residencies and I would have a two week check basically to work with to get us an apartment etc. Needless to say, he did not take the news well. Actually, I was surprised how upset he was taking it. I explained that I was hoping to make it there the beginning of March. I knew he would be disappointed but I wasn’t putting it off for months or a year from that date. I was doing the best I could. He was extremely hurt. It almost felt like he was thinking that I was backing out. But, unless he thought I had been lying to him all along, which I was not, he was totally in on how Angie had a job transfer, we had boxes everywhere that we had been packing and was included on all the plans we had made to make the move that just was not the case. In our discussion which became an argument he mentioned that even his family had never done anything as bad as this to him as I had done. Like I wanted or planned this disappointment for us both? That hurt me as I never planned to hurt him. I just did not have all the money I needed to make the move. Dan and Angie was carrying their load with money going into the move, but the whole apartment situation along with no job for me, just made things change. Hurtful words were said back and forth. In saying that I must say that never once in our relationship did Jace*—- ever call me bad names. But this argument was being implied that I was doing this purposefully and that just was not the truth. His mind was made up and I could not convince him otherwise. The called ended up with silence coming from his side, with me hearing what sounded like him crying and he simply hung up with out saying good bye. I was heartbroken. It was not my intent to hurt him. It was disappointing to me as well.
I did not hear from him for the rest of that day or the next. I didn’t know where we stood. Was I even going to still be moving there? I went to talk with my sister Janice the next day. She said something to me that has stayed with me to this day. She mentioned that if I was that upset, why didn’t I just leave everything behind and take a flight out there and start with nothing. I didn’t take that advice and I often wonder if I had would have things gone differently.
Two days later Jace*—- called me saying that we were still together, but he needed time to get over this disappointment. That the way he handled things was to go over it again and again until he could reason it out in his mind. I mentioned that we still had plans to move in March. After all Angie had to be at her new job in the middle of March. To which he coldly said, “let’s not make a date as to when this will happen just yet.” That was like a slap in the face. What exactly was he saying? I was taken back but did not argue about his statement. He told me he would not be calling me as often because he needed his time. That a relationship was all about communication. I didn’t say this but I thought Isn’t that what I was trying to do? Maybe I should have told him sooner that there was a chance to make the deadline, but I was trying everything to make this work. I had just found out a month prior that he had moved out of his apartment. So, as time went on, I was in limbo. Not knowing what the future held. I held on to the fact that he said we were still together. But on what terms was yet to be seen.
“Dreaming With A Broken Heart”
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering, “Was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?”
No she’s not, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, “Could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?”
No she can’t, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….
Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hand?
would you get them if I did?
No you won’t, ’cause you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
John Meyer
Next A very sad phone call
Road That Led Me Here 
Leave a Reply